So I listened to the radio for like... the first time in forever, and they talked about someones backstory and I just started to think about my life, honestly - theres not much to it til lately but if anyone is intrested to know a bit more of who I am, read this and you will have the answer to who I really am.
So, lets begin when I was about 9-12. So I have always loved drawing and always drawn a bit in school the moment I get the time. People around me has always said that I am good at drawing, eventhough I was really bad in that age - still you got to start somewhere - but I suppose I was alright for my age, but still... not really. However, I seemed to like my art a bit but I have improved a milion of times by now.
So I have always been different, that no one can deny, my class was - and is - filled with people who cares way to much about how they look, how popular they are and all that shit. I have never been like that, I have always been a loner, always been quiet and never liked to speak. I had friends wich seemed to be good once.
My life changed alot when I reached the age of12, my friends started to fight. I had three friends at that time - and I got stuck with one of them while the other two was "against us" but honestly it started as just a fight between the friend I was going with and one of the other once. This fight has been going on just so long, infact it is not over yet in my point of veiw. However, this fight simply made my life really hard, I had nothing to do with it and was really dragged from one side to the other - I didn't want to choose a side, why do that? But ofcourse I wouldn't have a choice, since everyone - atleast in my school are idiots in my veiw.
I did find myself rushing back home to lay down in my bed and cry in secret, I didnt want anyone else to bother how I felt, never wanted that either, always just kept my problems to myself and never told anyone how I really feel about some stuff. Some might not understand how this could make me feel that bad but I honestly didn't know what to do. At this point I started to not try as hard in school, I started to lose motivation. When I turned 13 my life turned slightly better and I had more to look forward to as it was a new part of school at that point and I had deviantart and feralheart - wich did help me to get new friends and all that... I had gotten feralheart earlier though... anyway I dont entirely remember dates that well... however I remember I started deviantart on a christmas, I belive atleast.
Ofcourse - at the next spring after that, my only friend in my class at that moment decided to leave me and go to another class, and she hadn't even said anything about it. This did doubt how close friends I was with her, I doubted if she even cared about me or if she just hanged around me becouse I was with her. This year lasted ages as I got kind of bullied in school, this person that "bullied" me put, as for example a glass upside down and said I liked glass dicks, and he just continued with this all that year and I couldn't take it, but everytime I got angry, everyone in my class just laughed, as if they didnt expect that I could get angry or even say anything. I simply was a no one, people didnt really notice me, I sat alone everywhere and couldn't do anything about it. I accepted that my life was what it was, I did still have my friends, but they were in different classes and rarely had breaks at the same time as I had.
The next year they switched classes again and I landed with the friend that was "against me" earlier, but at this time I was friend with all of them, but this friend I landed with at this time, kept telling me that I should stop be with the other one and not accept the fact that she had left me earlier. I didnt like that as I still disliked talking about how I really felt. I guess I didnt entirely understand how much damaged she did to my life just by doing that. At this point does two friends that had fought with eachother kind of... switched friends I landed with one of them and the one that had been friend with the other one became friend with the one I had been. It is like this still, in real life. This made my current friend quite mad, to think of it, it kind of feels as if I wasn't good enough for her and that she didnt want it like this. However, the fight continued and it... actualy turned into a fight, my first friend hit my current friend in the belly and later she hit her once again. I wanted to stop her but ofcourse why would anyone listen to me? ofcourse I wasnt straight out with my opinion as that wasn't my way but I did try to say something that might have givven her a hint.
Soon all people started to talk about sex and all that and geez I am tired of it. People have always shipped a boy and a girl as soon as they have become friends, as for example of that, close to when this really started, I became friends with a boy who is very alike me, I havn't had a crush on him.. I have kind of thought of it if I did - but at this point I did aswell start to think alot about what sexuality I really was, I have now came forth with that I am a bisexual... eh I have really only told one of this before, as... well I simply dont know why, I am not the one who shares alot of stuff, however, I still see it be a bigger chance that I land up with a girl rather then a boy right now, as... well I dont know I am... not attracted to boys. As simple as that. ANYWAY. Lets continue with my story instead of some shit that I really dont bother at the moment that much. SO. My friend was being an ass to me. More needed said?
She kept acting like I was her enemy, she acted as if she didnt want me with her, I know that she meant it all like a joke, but I didnt always take it as a joke as I simply got so annoyed at what she did. At this point I cut myself for the first time, I started to hate my life more then before and started to think alot about my life.
I have cut myself twice in life... the second one I am honestly by now slightly happy that I did, as that night I sat in my bed and tried to calm myself. Now I dont belive in god, but that day I needed to talk to someone, as I simply didnt felt really bad. It was either that night or the night after that that I went on my computer and went on skype, I went to this one person I knew I could talk to, but I started the conversation with that I didnt want her to think that I was being annoying to talk about my life problems... however I remember the answer very well to that. "Josse, no" it made me happy almost at once, I felt that I knew that someone was going to listen to my problems. We talked about it - shared a few secrets and all that... I belive we became slightly closer as I understood that I relly had this person as my friend and she listened and read every single word I said and replied with wise words that helped me. After that my life have lightened up quite alot and by now I couldnt live without her... literaly. Without that conversation, who would have known where I was by now? Does this person understand that she might have saved mylife? well... she have, she have made it worth living.
-Josefin ~ BlackBloodX